First of all, sincere apologies for any offence my relaying of the dark conversations from Croatia may have caused from last weeks blog. Not one of them was intended as anything I seriously thought, or in fact actually said by myself in the most part. I was responsible for the distasteful comments about dolphins, and feel suitably bad for all that non-sense. I now realise the power and ability to offend these words have, and should be much more careful in the future about reproducing the things other people do or say. It is incredibly easy for something to be taken out of context, and then by the same token be blown out of all proportion. So accept this as a huge back pedal. I am not one to buckle under the pressure of censorship, but if something has caused offence, then whoever you are, I am truly sorry. I should have thought more about it before I put it to print and accept that in printing a joke or comment, regardless of whether it is my view or not, I am responsible for it’s content. So one last time, from the bottom of my heart, I am very sorry. Offence was never my intention.

    I can feel a kind of sad, self-indulgent tone for today’s blog looming. Maybe because this will be the last Monday morning in my twenties. Or maybe because of the general low moral of a near recession Britain. In any case, it is summer, and the sun isn’t shining much. I feel a bit like I am aged seven again, walking around on my own in the summer holidays, feeling sorry for myself. I always chose solitude on these occasions, one could always decide for ones self whether to find playmates or not. I suppose sometimes your best friend might go swimming with his uncle and you weren’t invited. Sometimes everyone might be playing cricket and you daren’t display to all the older kids that you couldn’t catch a ball, let alone throw it straight, so you would wander off alone. But the feeling is hard to explain if you have never had it. Not the pop group ‘The Feeling’, although their popularity is equally as tear inducing. No, the sensation that something is in your stomach, pulling on some little strings that connect to your heart. Feeling down.

    Being a sensitive soul, a Cancerian who frequently needs to be in the warmth and protection of his shell, I have sometimes been accused of having ‘male periods’. A few people have told me that men can be as affected by the cycle of the moon as women, which seems plausible. Our bodies are something like 70% water, and the moon and earths rotation are all linked to the ebb and flow of the tides of the world’s oceans and rivers. I don’t fully understand it, but it kind of makes sense that our bodies would be affected by the position of the moon and it’s current implications on the liquids of the earth. Of course there are many factors that create feelings of depression or gloom. Usually I would argue that chemical imbalance, be it from lack of vitamins or over boozing, are the usual suspects, particularly for someone with my lifestyle. (Bah! Call that a style!) But I have felt it since I was a small child, and I didn’t abuse my body with late nights and vodka back then. I just needed to get away from everybody, and to try and get the sadness out. This used to be remedied by singing a little song to myself, maybe remembering the bass-line to Percy Sledge’s “When a Man Loves a Woman”, the song my dad woke me up with the most part of my childhood on Sunday mornings. The point is I was sad and I didn’t know why, and until I had a little cry, it wouldn’t go away.

    But everybody hurts, so sang R.E.M, so it must be true. Lots of people have recognised medical conditions, being Bi-Polar for instance, which make their moods uncontrollable or unpredictable,and I am sure that must be tremendously difficult to live with. Being slightly introspective at certain times isn’t quite the same, so I have absolutely no reason to feel sorry for myself. And in any case, stopping to take stock of your emotions once in a while is probably quite useful to your development as a human being. Truth is, it is usually a combination of tiredness, indecision, guilt and a natural pessimism I have had to fight my whole life.

      I feel especially guilty today for finding out my comments have upset someone. I am a little apprehensive about a radio show I am doing for the first time at Rinse FM tonight at 7pm. I am about to turn 30. My hair is rapidly thinning. I am considering getting a manager. Do I need one? And how will he help my career? So much going through my mind, I can’t believe at 29 I can still feel like that little boy, needing to get away from it all. Maybe I always will, and maybe you all do too. Nevertheless, it is therapeutic for me to write it all down and expunge it from my system. Please forgive my self-indulgence, but this week I felt it better to tell it straight than relay another stupid drunken anecdote, or try and convince a few hundred people that I am a talented, undiscovered stand up comic.

         How on earth can I now turn this around to have a positive ending? After all this doom and gloom, what simple line can amend the mournful tone of 5 paragraphs of liquid negativity? Ah, I think the sun is coming out.

         Perfect.